I could feel the disappointment coming. It wasn’t a big disappointment as far as things go, but even before it happened my mind started to spiral down. Old issues of abandonment, rejection and betrayal began to bubble to the surface. My logical mind reminded me not to jump to self-sabotage, which would save me the suspense of having to wait, but inevitably end in regret. Maybe the disappointment wouldn’t even come.

Even so, I Stopped, Took a deep breath and Observed that my body responses, feelings and thoughts were in need of care. The pain came more intensely than I expected after all these years and all the work I’ve done. The body’s natural desire to soothe caused me to hold my head in my hands. “This calls for music…and movement.” I went to look for the right CD. Yes, an eighties sad day band. A hybrid dance, yoga, energy medicine session ensued.

That night was fitful. Dreams of old betrayal, abandonment and rejection wrenched through my mind. Each time I woke it was in tears until sleep was finally abandoned at 4 am. I rolled out of bed and slumped to my knees in fervent prayer. With my tears spent, I took several deep breaths and considered how best to Proceed.

I spent the day watching spiritual videos and talking to loved ones. Feeling somewhat better, I took stock of what had happened. With kindly curiosity, I realized there was still some deep trauma work that needed to be done. Tapping, a type of acupressure energy movement technique had proven effective for me in the past. When I first heard about tapping ten years ago, I dismissed it as too hokey sounding. Over the years, though, it continued to gain in credibility with impressive effectiveness for use in trauma survivors.

I sat down to tap, assessing the distress level at a 6 on a 0-10 scale. Within minutes I watched myself escalate to a nine, but kept using the method. It went longer than normal. Memories floated to consciousness; I tapped and let them work their way through. There was a clear shift in energy when the stream of consciousness that I followed during the exercise became more hopeful, calm and peaceful.

When the disappointment came this morning I felt…disappointed. Not despairing, not angry, not overwhelmed, not self or other critical. An appointment this morning got rescheduled and I recognized it as a good opportunity to hike.

Many of you know I spent a year on a mission in Northern Missouri. During that time I ate way more healthfully than any other time in my life. In the last several months I experienced a herniated neck disk relapse, moved to a new city, had an experience with rejection, and started a business. Somewhere in the midst of that stress, my eating habits reverted back to less healthy “comfort” food. To quote a song from my 80’s sad day band, unhealthy food gave me, “pale shelter.” It might feel good in the moment, but causes problems over time.

The last couple of weeks I’ve improved my nutrition knowing it has a huge effect on my moods, health, and how I feel about myself. There are many ways to reduce inflammation and I’ve been doing a lot of them: Increase in fruits and vegetables, decrease in unhealthy foods, cold showers, and (added recently) high doses of turmeric. To my delight, after a nearly 7 mile hike on Saturday and another one of the same length today, my knees didn’t hurt at all! I even forgot my hiking poles today. Focusing on beauty, fresh air and movement cleared the rest of the disappointment away.

There are so many ways to grow. We can get more education, read more books, put dreams into action one tiny step at a time. We can get to know new people and see them with compassion…even the ones we feel disappointed by. We can eat a little better today than we did yesterday. We can get out to nature more. We can work through our issues.

Thanks for reading this long one, my friends. You help me heal. I hope something in here does the same for you.

Scroll to the end for a Wilderness Meditation preview. I’d appreciate comments and suggestions!